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Three Lies About Finals Week – Dr. Brian Lang

Sir Jimmie is never certain how to interpret the words of wisdom imparted by the much esteemed Dr. Brian Lang, professor of philosophy and ethics at the University of Jamestown. Entertainment is always provided. He also requested that a David Lee Roth song be playing as this page is displayed, but after consulting Chris Hoke of the IT department at UJ, the determination was made that due to copyright infringements we could not do this. Our apologies to Dr. Lang.

Lie #1

It’s midnight. Wednesday. Finals Week. The faculty fill the basement of the Hansen Center. In full academic regalia President Badal ceremoniously locks doors that will not be opened until dawn. The wrestling mats smell of stale sweat and the low ceiling echoes with jeers and mocking catcalls. Once again Dr. Timothy Bratton prepares to defend his title as “King of the Cage.” He has stripped down to his wrestling singlet and his moustache glistens with wax. The next six hours are not pretty. At the end Dr. Bratton has two broken fingers, is bleeding from the scalp and his torso is crisscrossed with bruises and abrasions. Challengers from each academic division lie unconscious at his feet. This is the ugly side of Finals Week—a side that most of us like to pretend does not exist.

Lie #2

For me, finals week is when I finally get my finances in order. Everyone knows that the big money is in summer school courses. But not all of us can run an empire as vast and lucrative as Dr. Mark Joy. Think about it this way. Every student has to pass Ethics to graduate. My current rates are $20 for a D, $35 for a C, $60 for a B, and $120 for an A (with an additional fifty if they want a letter of recommendation). Without my Finals Week income I wouldn’t be able to feed my 11 children. Thankfully, I have a lot of prospective nursing students, so it’s going to be a very merry Christmas at the Lang house.

Lie #3

The origin of Finals Week can be traced back to two eighth-century Germanic tribes. Goats were slaughtered, effigies of the “little gods” were burned, and a weeklong celebration was held under the light of the new moon. Missionaries and merchants soon Christianized the practice. Yet even today it still retains some of its pagan roots. Sadly, in America we have begun to forget the true meaning of Finals Week. Some people refuse to call it by its proper name. Instead of saying the traditional “Gute Arbeit!” they use politically correct greetings like “Happy Holidays” and “Merry Christmas.” Well I won’t stand for it. This “War on Finals Week” must be won. And I am the man who will win it.


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Posted:January 9, 2015

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