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SIR JIMMIE BLOG
Three Lies About Finals Week 2018 – Dr. Brian Lang

What have ye heard about Finals Week? I, Sir Jimmie, am never certain how to interpret the words of wisdom imparted by the much esteemed Dr. Brian Lang, professor of philosophy and ethics at the University of Jamestown. Nevertheless, entertainment is always provided.

Lie #1

It’s midnight. Wednesday. Finals Week. The faculty fill the basement of the Hansen Center. In full academic regalia, President Peterson ceremoniously locks doors that will not be opened until dawn. The wrestling mats smell of stale sweat and the low ceiling echoes with jeers and mocking catcalls. Once again, Dr. Benjamin Kirkeby prepares to defend his title as “King of the Cage.” He has stripped down to his wrestling singlet and his new moustache glistens with wax. The next six hours are not pretty. At the end, Dr. Kirkeby has two broken fingers, is bleeding from the scalp, and his torso is crisscrossed with bruises and abrasions. Challengers from each academic division lie unconscious at his feet. This is the ugly side of Finals Week—a side that most of us like to pretend does not exist.

Lie #2

Finals Week lasts for 9 days.

Lie #3

The origin of Finals Week can be traced back to two eighth-century Germanic tribes. Goats were slaughtered, effigies of the “little gods” were burned, and a weeklong celebration was held under the light of the new moon. Missionaries and merchants soon Christianized the practice. Yet, even today, it still retains some of its pagan roots. Sadly, in America, we have begun to forget the true meaning of Finals Week. Some people refuse to call it by its proper name. Instead of saying the traditional “Gute Arbeit!”, they use politically correct greetings like “Happy Holidays” and “Enjoy May Day.” Well, I won’t stand for it. This “War on Finals Week” must be won. And I am the man who will win it.

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Posted:May 4, 2018


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